How do you top last season's offense?

"We're getting spreadier," said Missouri head football coach Gary Pinkel.

"We'll be taking our entire 11 players and putting them on either sideline, leaving a giant gap in the middle, so we'll be able to play the ball up the middle, so I guess we'll need players in the middle, but they'll be way spread out, so we'll probably keep some players in the middle and then leave players way out on the sidelines. What was the question?"

Coach Gary Pinkel expects to use the entire field to make the defense follow them around.

We'll be running all over the place here and there, around there and over here and we'll just run the whole field and try and stay within the boundaries, but all over. We'll use some parts of the field that doesn't yet exist. We'll find it and use it. It's the undiscovered world. We'll discover it and then run and pass all over that place."

Finding undiscovered parts of the field?

"That's correct. We have some innovative new things in our offense. It's never been seen. It exploits some dimensional aspects like time and space."

So, the Tigers are time travelers?

"More like phantom alien ghost mystery spy dust bunnies. We're here, but we're not here. We're over there, but we're not. We're turning the gridiron into 7 dimensions, like that chess board on Star Trek, but more dimensions."

I'm looking forward to it.

Here is the Mizzou tailgate survey. I guess you can read whatever you want into it, but there's a heavy emphasis on alcohol. Rumor has it they're considering an alcohol-free zone.

On a side note, notice the first question. Are you serious? I'm not familiar with the third gender. Folks, your penis/vagina is not a state of mind.

But let's say there's a lot of people saying they're tired of the drunken debauchery at the tailgating. I'm not really sure what you can do about that. People are going to drink and some will drink too much. A ban on alcohol is patronizing and will anesthetize the atmosphere. Adults can determine if they've had too much. If the problem is unruly behavior, that's what the P.D. is for. I suppose creating an alcohol-free zone might be a decent compromise if those who really want to be insulated from so much as seeing a heathen with a beer will feel better. We could also buy them blinders. In Oklahoma, you can't carry your beer to the car unless it's in a paper bag. Similar concept, I guess.

Just a wild, baseless guess...Mizzou will start a "drink responsibly" marketing campaign this fall.

Some of you might remember the little scuffle I got into with CLC. Joe College of Lawrence, Kansas is going through a similar battle, except they're currently in the middle of a federal jury trial. While this blog has nothing to do with my livelihood and I'm just as likely to post as I am to forget about it for a few months at a time, Joe College is a business and provides a living to owner Larry Sinks. To date, Sinks has sunk $300,000 into defending his business.

There are many nuances and complexities to copyright & trademark law. Key to this case is a legal doctrine known as 'fair use'. I won't get into a legal memo here, my brain will melt, but with apologies to the egg heads who live in the world of trademark and copyright law, it more or less gets down to this: are you confused? Would a normal person look at a shirt and think "that's an official shirt from the University of Kansas"?

Let's first look at KU. Like most universities, they're humorless, take themselves too seriously and have the creative acumen of a Soviet architect (here building four walls you live shut up). Universities do things like change "Border War" to "Border Misunderstanding". They take traditions and bathe them in the icy pools of political correctness. Remember, we now live in the self esteem generation, where overpraising and celebrating the mundane have become virtues. How do we feel good? We never feel bad.

Then there's Joe College. Irreverent, sometimes funny, sometimes not so funny, but certainly a far cry from what you would expect from the dull minds of a university marketing department or anything they would approve and license.

The atmosphere at campuses have become intellectually dishonest to the point where it is impossible to attribute something edgy and punchy like a Joe College shirt with something a modern university would put out. Universities are in the feel good business. Before long, you'll see professor tunnels after lectures to make the students feel good. Joe College and other purveyors of sassy attire are in the entertainment business. The difference is while there is overlap in the use of certain words like 'Kansas', Joe College uses its own creativity to say things with those words that people want to have on their shirt. The University of Kansas has "Kansas Basketball" on their shirts. Joe College has "Kansas, the Birthplace of North Carolina Basketball". Not in a thousand years would KU get behind something like that. Thus, no consumer confusion.

But the issue here isn't that of consumer confusion. It's really twofold. First, KU wants to cleanse all speech associated with it for political correctness. They want everyone to be nice. Second, KU wants all expressions of fan support to go through the KU athletic department toll booth.

The latter bothers me, but the former makes me irate. At Mizzou, I was a GDI. I understand this was a common term at KU, too, so we all know what this means. Don't tell me how to be a fan. Don't tell me how to live. Don't tell me that what I say, do and think has to have 'Collegiate Licensing' stamped on it. People have different tastes, different standards and some people like to be annoying and wear annoying clothing. If that were illegal, then all of you Crocs-wearing dads would be lining up for prison time.

Public universities belong to the people of that state, not the athletic departments. A university setting is the last place freedom of speech should be under assault.

Lighten up, KU. Muzzling your fans is so 1950.

That's the rumor. Dumb. I'll wait until it's confirmed that the AD is mulling it over before I go bananas. Meanwhile, here's my artist's rendering of what the games will be like:

Topping the list: 2 barns

Yay, Kansas.

Thanks ZouDave from Tigerboard.com.

These are clips from his freshman year. When I was a freshman, I was drinking coffee at Denny's. That summarizes by 18th year.

I was not doing this:

Why haven't I updated this blog in months?

I can't say, really. I got interested in it when someone tried to take it, then when they gave up, I walked away. Is that human nature? My two youngest kids go through that routine daily with toys.

I suppose I only allow so much down time. I have five kids, one in college, three in school and a three year old boy/chimp who tears my house up with little regard for how hard it is to put back together.

I've had some other stuff going on. Ever think about why we work so damn hard? I'm seriously thinking about moving into a small house and driving an old pickup or something cheap. I'm supremely confident my stress level would drop to zero.

On fun stuff, my teams are all doing well. I have a U12 futsal team, a U10 soccer team, a U10 softball team and a kindergarten girl starting t-ball. My player who lost her mom (see below) seems to be doing well and is playing futsal this session with me.

I think I could do nothing but youth sports the rest of my life, drive a crappy car and live in a little house and be happy as can be.

It's time for the annual Kitty Curse. For the past four seasons, the Kitty Curse has brought KU nothing but pain and misery. It assures Tiger Nation that no matter how crappy of a basketball season we've had, we can always look forward to AKUSCLIM (another KU soul-crushing loss in March).

There was a time not that long ago that I would have sold my mother to the Russians to even listen to a Mizzou basketball game. Quin has been gone a couple of years now and my interest in basketball still wanes. Hopefully this will change, but I'm worried we have too much baggage; that my emotional needs have not been met. Too many love busters have put me into a shame spiral. I don't see basketball. I see broken dreams.

Seems like things have been a bit of a downer around here. I'm not feeling real comical right now.

I'm developing a barn seeking missile. This is for the people who can't hit the broad side of a barn. Then what will people say about them when they're armed with this technology? Arm the people.

The mother of one of my soccer players passed away in a car accident last night. My player is one of the sweetest kids I've known. She's bright, positive and just a wonderful child. She's motherless at age 12. What a heartbreaking day this has been.

There have been many famous surrenders. History notes the likes of the Surrender at Appomattox, the Japanese surrender on the U.S.S. Missouri, France's surrender to pretty much anyone who looked their way crosswise, but I am profoundly proud that this little blog has made it to the first page of Google for the search phrase 'terms of surrender', assuring its place in history as a bona fide annoying distraction.

I should note that this isn't new. This picture of former Russian leader Nikita Kruschev with a photoshopped Jayhawk birthmark on his forehead was the top picture in Google images for a few years for his name. Schoolchildren doing book reports would Google Nikita and find that image in the results. I got more than one email requesting permission to use the picture in a book report, project, etc. I was always eager to accommodate. My vision of that picture making its way into a book report and getting handed in was too funny to pass up.

Yes, I read a lot of MAD Magazine as a kid. You might have already figured that out.

I don't really have any original thoughts on the Hannah boxing match, but it did get me thinking about a video game I played a lot at Mizzou.

Tonight I sat with some really good old friends at our old church in Kirkwood. We were getting ready for a rehearsal and around 7, an endless stream of emergency vehicles screamed by. It went on for about half an hour. We knew something big had happened. Just down the road, people were being murdered.

I lived in Kirkwood for 10 years. We brought home three babies to our little bungalow near the Glendale border and spent many days around downtown. We've been gone for four years now, but Kirkwood will always be home.

How to celebrate:

1. Greet everyone with "Thunderdome"
2. Respond with "Armageddon"

That's pretty much it.

What a night. It all started normally enough with a nice meal and a beer. As game time neared, the kids got ready for bed and we settled in on the couch and watched the game. The Beaks took most of the drama out of it, so I flipped back and forth between the game and some real drama (Deal or No Deal). Late in the game in order to avoid hearing that chant, I came up with a great plan to reward my wife for taking care of bed time, reading stories to the kids, etc. It was a fateful decision.

"Hey, let's watch something. How about that dvd series you got...that period piece?"

"Uh, Pride and Prejudice?"

"Yeah! You love that!"

The next 30 minutes I descended into hell. This isn't a movie men should be near. Men shouldn't even be in it. The dvd set itself comes with a box of tea and tea cups.

It's all about this Mr. Darcy guy. He's moody and has dark eyes. There was one point where I thought he was okay. "Mr. Darcy, be fastidious and have a dance with that handsome woman!"

"Mr. Bingly, it is a rare moment that I partake in a dance."

Hell yeah, Darcy. Look at those guys prancing around like leprechauns. Don't do it.

But the rest of the parts that we watched were just Darcy over acting with his smoldering eyes look. "I shall not dance!" followed by women squirming at his defiance. "Oooo, Mr. Darcy..."

After 20 minutes, I prayed for death. When it didn't come, I fantasized about hanging myself, but decided that a quick hanging was insufficient punishment for what I was putting myself through.

In the end, I fake snored until mercifully the tv clicked off. For this horror, I will never forgive KU for ruining a perfectly good Iam4Mizzou Eve.

I should do something for Beak Day, which hasn't been as exciting as Beak Week, the week before the KU football game. I'm tempted to just recycle old stuff because I'm really busy today. I don't know. Maybe I'll get inspired later and put up a new photoshop.

I'm not really sure where the controversy is regarding Coach Anderson's decision to suspend half the team for team rules violations. I know some believe that the wayward players are a reflection of their coach. I don't really think so.

Compare this to the Quin Snyder era. (Uh oh, he's bringing up Quin.) It wasn't so much that Quin had player issues so much as Quin had Quin issues. His responses to problems were anything from weird to really weird. My problem with Quin was he was flakey when it came to running the program.

Contrast that with Mike Anderson. Coach Anderson, that is. I'm not saying he's a great or even a good coach. I don't know, yet. But I'm pretty comfortable with the idea that he's a principled, no b.s. kind of man. I think it's a rare and admirable thing that he would put his record (and thus his job) on the line by taking such dramatic action. How many coaches would have swept this under the rug?

Coach, all of the staff here at missouritigers.com, our vast empire of t-shirts, coffee mugs and trucker hats applaude you.

I would so play tonight. I'll pay my way to get to the arena. Here are my stats in Rec League Glory basketball:

5'11"
41 years old
200 lbs (inclusive)
7 inch vertical
I once made a three point shot in a game

At a minimum, I can be the guy on the end of the bench whose shorts are a little too tight and has a mustache.

Thank you for the memories, Coach Smith. My thoughts and prayers go out to the Smith family.

I'm hearing word that Larry Smith's health is failing. I really like Larry and credit him for pulling Missouri football out of the ashes.

I remember very well listening to Missouri become bowl eligible on the radio as I sat in a parking lot after dominating Colorado in Boulder. It was a typical overcast, dreary day in Missouri, but the feeling was pure magic. I remember the music (Step by Step, or something like that), Mike Kelley being overcome with emotion and just sitting there in disbelief that we had actually done it. I remember the full house, the old gold pants, Brock Olivo's crazy leg scamper versus Nebraska, Corby Jones' bloody nose, Larry Smith's tear, time of possession at Boulder, Devin West destroying KU and so many other things that were all so special after years of failure.

Godspeed, Coach.

I have to clear something up. By the way, this is one of those really rare serious posts. When I mentioned Mike Alden's name below, it was simply with respect to the timeline of events. Since the little media blitz last week, he's taken a beating. Mike was simply the fortuitous (un-fortuitous) recipient of my inquiry. I have no idea what his role is at this point with the domain name saga if any at all. What I do know is he wasn't part of the demand letter sent to me and wasn't aware that it even went out.

I realize that I'm sacrificing field position here, but it's not and has never been my desire to get in a tiff with Mizzou and I find this sequence of events unfortunate. Now go away or I'll taunt you a second time.

It needs cheap crap to wear and put on their walls. Do you know how long it takes a working man to save thirteen dollars? Just remember this, Mizzou, that this rabble you're talking about... they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a classic thong and a trucker hat? Anyway, I don't think so. People are human beings to me. But to you, a warped, frustrated old university, they're cattle. This town needs this measly, one-horse institution if only to have someplace where people can come without crawling to Potter...er...Brady Commons.

Okay, enough of this nonsense. Mizzou has dropped their claim and I'm dropping my prices. I'm having a $70,000 off sale on all merchandise.